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You like your undead slow or sprinting?

One of the world’s greatest controversies, right up there with the best M&M color (it’s blue), revolves around zombies.
In one corner we have the walking, shuffling, easily confused undead of nearly every zombie movie ever made. They are a threat to the elderly and anyone not paying attention when stepping through a shattered storefront.
In the other corner we have the running, jumping, finely tuned dead of “28 Days” and “World War Z.” In this version, only the trim, fit and athletic part of the population succumb to various zombie-causing diseases, and once undead they are even better athletes. If these zombies carved out their own country, they would dominate winter and summer Olympics, and not simply by eating the brains of other competitors (though they’d do that too).
The world was perfectly happy with lumbering zombies since it made sense your body should suffer some sort of post-mortem penalty. Death should not reinvigorate you like some sort of Red Bull rebirth. I count myself firmly in the camp of the walking, tripping, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” zombies. The process allows for survivors, thinning the herd only of those unwise enough to look from grandma in a cellar filled with shelves upon view-blocking shelves of canned peaches. “Grandma, you down here? Because we need to get you somewhere safe.” Indeed.
The sprinting, victim-seeking zombie missiles are going to need a lot of food to keep their energy up. The constant search for calories could gut the food supply in a matter of years, making the zombie apocalypse not so survivable to the disappointment of thousands of doomsday preppers.
I decided to split the zombie difference in “Dead Jed.” Jed can keep up a decent jogging pace, but at a sprint he is far more likely to lose a limb. And while he doesn’t slur his words and uses usually impeccable grammar, he’s not prone to screaming incomprehensibly whenever he sees a stranger (and eats him).
Then again, Jed is the only one of his kind and thus can set the zombie bar wherever he wants.

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